Motherhood and the Path to Self {Re}-Discovery
Maybe it’s getting older myself, or watching my children grow, but I’ve been contemplating the topic of self-identity a lot lately.
We spend our youth learning who we are: mimicking behaviors, following trends, until one day we grow up and suddenly we’re members of society, ‘adulting’ day in, and day out. Many of us have high career ambitions, most of us strive for happiness, confidence, and fulfillment; and some, like me, probably feel called to the path of motherhood.
The Unforeseen Sacrifices
But, there are certainly sacrifices that I didn’t foresee before giving birth to our oldest. I didn’t fully understand that my mind and body wouldn’t be mine again for years to come. Sure, the ‘schedule’ can be grueling, but I NEVER could have imagined the depth of the sleep deprivation. Friends and family shared their wisdom regarding, ‘Mom Guilt,’ and ‘Worry,’ but I hadn’t yet felt them in my bones. I hadn’t realized just how much I would change once I became a Mother; how even my name would change. How often do I hear someone call me Caitlyn throughout the day? Not nearly as frequently as I hear Mommy, and that now sounds more natural than my given name.
Self-Rediscovery
It’s taken me nearly four years of motherhood, but I’m beginning to ask myself, “who are you?” (I’ve probably seen Moana a few too many times lately). As I reflect on my self-identity, I realize I’m not the same person I was before kids. My interests have changed, my priorities have changed, my hobbies have changed, and my physical self has certainly changed. So maybe it’s only natural that I’m on this journey of self rediscovery. I’m learning more about my identity not just as a Mother, but as a woman, a wife, a friend – as Caitlyn.
The Good Ol’ Days
Back before kids, a dog, a mortgage, life was sure different! My modes of transportation were hip and youthful, and the speakers rang out with lyrics by John Mayer, and Maroon 5. Now, my mom-mobile has a third row so I can fit groceries and a double BOB stroller. And the stereo? It plays any number of Disney soundtracks, but our current favorite is a playlist that’s got a solid mix of Frozen, Trolls, Moana, and Zootopia. Date nights before kids? We didn’t blink an eye at a leisurely dinner with drinks and dessert, followed by more drinks. We would close down our favorite local bar, and I may or may not have spent an evening dancing on stage with an ACDC cover band. Dates after kids? We have a strict timeline and much smaller drink limit before the milk-makers need relief, and the serious mom guilt kicks in. My physical and mental stamina has wilted and I can barely stay up past 8:30 p.m. Oddly, I find that both pathetic and exhilarating. I might actually get a solid five hour sleep stretch tonight!
Introvert Becomes Extrovert
One area of change that I still find amusing is how I transformed from a pretty reserved and introverted individual, to a much more outgoing and social being. Don’t get me wrong, if I’m at a gathering with all adults I will still stick to my husband’s side and be awfully awkward at small talk. But, get me in a play date with a bunch of crazy toddlers and I am Mrs. Social. Kids kind of force you out of your comfort zone. Our oldest went through a phase where he was obsessed with his ‘Be-Bo’ (belly button). He would want to show anyone and everyone, and he fully expected you to do the same. We’d walk down the path near our house and he’d be getting neighbors, strangers, and fellow kids to lift their shirts and show each other their midsections. If that doesn’t force an introvert out of her shell, I don’t know what does! Although, if you read the previous paragraph you may argue that no introvert would ever dance on stage in a crowded bar. So, maybe my extroverted self has been in there all along just waiting for the right opportunity to spring free?
Motherhood Made Me
I’m realizing that perhaps we all find ourselves over and over again. We experience different stages of life, and we change and adapt with them. The most profound lesson I’ve uncovered on this journey is that Motherhood has made me. I truly believe this is who I am meant to be – Mom to my two curious and feisty boys. But, I also want my sons to know who I am in addition to Mommy. I’m a woman who loves her husband and children fiercely; who is passionate about life and the blessings in it. I’m a person who wants to demonstrate kindness and faith; and be the friend you can call on anytime/anywhere. Motherhood has redefined who I am, and has fueled a fire I didn’t know existed. I may feel lost some days – in a haze of dry shampoo, little sleep, and not enough caffeine, but I have found my purpose. And I will do my best to live up to this identity until my next call for soul-searching arises within me.